nico1908: (Jackass!)

Switch your sound on and enjoy: http://www.palinaspresident.us/

nico1908: (Jackass!)
Thank goodness for people sending me stuff like this! Makes my day!!

 

 

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nico1908: (Jackass!)
Your giggle for the day, found in my e-mail box this morning:

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nico1908: (Default)

I wish I were witty enough to come up with stuff like this. Unfortunately I'm not - but fortunately I have friends who send me things like that.

The Birk Plan )
nico1908: (Jackass!)
...when people send me stuff like this: )
 
2. A day without sunshine is, like night.
 
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers
 
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
 
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
 
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
 
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
 
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
 
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
 
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
 
15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
 
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
 
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
 
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
 
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
 
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
 
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
 
25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
 
26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

(From my dear friend
[profile] badkatpat )

nico1908: (Jackass!)

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal- Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She continued, "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal- Mart brand.

The top surveyed names in popularity are:

10.Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...

1. Nasti Spumante

According to Micken, "The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).”

 

 

nico1908: (Jackass!)

A friend just sent me this:

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother", she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Here is another one:

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.  One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”

 

The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.  It's probably just your Dad.”

May we all find find many more things to giggle about today!

nico1908: (Jackass!)

Received from a friend this morning. Enjoy.

 

Subject: George W Bush Presidential Library

 

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. You'll want to be the first at your corporation to make a contribution to this great man's legacy.

 

The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can't remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't have to even show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room (which no one has been able to find)

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.

Plans also include: The K-Street Project Gift Shop - where you can buy (or just steal) an election.

The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

Last but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8 scale model of the President's ego.

 

To highlight the President's accomplishments, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.

 

When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father's. He was also very excited to learn that the library would include his favorite comic books and he wouldn't have to give up his copies.

nico1908: (Jackass!)

 

Today it was reported in the news that the Pope announced that God has been looking down at Earth and has observed all of the misbehavior that is going on.

 

Apparently he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a look-see.

 

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth. 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

 

God considered the report for a moment and declared, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

 

So God summoned another angel and sent him to Earth to check things out.

 

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline: 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

 

God was not pleased, so He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.

 


nico1908: (Jackass!)
Gacked from [profile] jerdog.

Look at the feedbacks this guy/gal left for his/her sellers. Insanely funny! Click here.

My personal favorite: "Next time don't write CONTAINS PORN in big red letters all over the box! sheesh!" ROFLMAO
nico1908: (Jackass!)

The 3rd Annual Nigerian
EMail Conference

"Write better emails. Make more moneys."

Click here.

nico1908: (Jackass!)

Who comes up with stuff like that? And why isn't it me???

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time... on a hill... on a curve... in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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nico1908

January 2013

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